Stop Lying to Yourself: You’re the One Breaking Your Own Boundaries

I’ve been sharing a lot lately about boundaries. And most of the time, we think of them as something we set with other people—what we will and won’t tolerate in relationships, work, or social situations. But one of the most important, and often overlooked, aspects of boundaries are the ones we create for ourselves.

We tend to believe boundaries are about keeping things out. But the truth is, boundaries are also about what we allow in—what we permit, prioritize, and protect within ourselves. The standards we set for our own well-being, rest, and self-respect.

A woman once asked me, "If you can’t or won’t keep the promises you make to yourself, how can you make a promise to anyone else?" And that has always stuck with me.

Because it’s true.

If I can’t maintain a healthy relationship with myself—if I ignore my own needs, break my own agreements, and abandon myself when I need care—then how in the world am I supposed to show up for others in an authentic way? How can I teach my children to honor their needs if I don’t honor mine? How can I expect a partner, friend, or colleague to respect my boundaries if I don’t respect them myself?

And yet, I struggle with this every single day.

Listening to my body is incredibly hard for me. I feel like I rarely do it. I am always working, creating, parenting… or avoiding. Very rarely will you find me just existing. And the truth is, it’s hard. Because it goes against everything I’ve been conditioned to believe—that exhaustion equates to success. That in order to be a great parent, I must also be a martyr and abandon my own needs. That rest means losing out on something—an experience, a moment, money.

But the truth is, that belief is a lie.
And a very damaging one at that.

I have spent my entire life setting boundaries around what I will and will not tolerate. And when I set them, they fall into these categories:

• Does it negatively affect my mental health?

• Does it negatively affect my physical health?

• Does it negatively affect my spiritual wellness?

• Does this support the life I am trying to create?

If the answer is yes to any of those, I set firm boundaries with the person inviting me to participate in something that would harm me in those areas.

But here’s the thing.

I excluded myself from those boundaries.

I never stopped to ask, “Does this choice I’m making negatively affect me?”

And today, as I sat in my office—exhausted, aching, and overwhelmed—I realized something that hit me like a gut punch:

I was the one threatening my own mental, physical, and spiritual well-being.

I was the one not honoring myself.
I was the one breaking my own rules.
I was the one choosing to self-abandon.

And why? Because I was still believing the lie: “Just push through. You’re fine.”

But that lie?
It was backed by fear.

Fear of what my clients would think if I canceled on them.
Fear of falling behind, of not getting everything done, of the overwhelming weight of tomorrow’s to-do list.

But when I sat with it, I saw the truth:

The problem wasn’t the work.
The problem wasn’t the clients.
The problem wasn’t the schedule.

The problem was me.

I wasn’t honoring me. My needs. My body. My well-being.

And that was a hard fucking truth to swallow.

So, I did something that felt so unnatural—so against everything I had been conditioned to believe.

I canceled my clients.
I packed up my stuff.
I came home.
I laid in my warm, cozy bed.
And I let myself just exist.

And then, this writing came to life.

Because here’s the reality:

I don’t have it all figured out.
None of us do.
And the idea that we should? That’s just another lie we’ve been sacrificing ourselves for.

Self-boundaries are not just about self-care in the way we often think about it. They are not a face mask, a glass of wine, and doom-scrolling while telling ourselves, “I’m resting.”

Boundaries with self require more.
They require radical self-respect.

Not just for the person we are today, but for the person we are becoming.

I often ask myself:
"Is this something that Kate in 10 years would do?"
"Does this choice support the version of me in 10 years?"

And that usually puts things into perspective.

Because even though I don’t have all the answers now, I imagine that the version of me in 10 years does a little better with boundaries—for herself and with others.

I imagine that she has worked through all the lies and bullshit she picked up as a kid and in her early 20s.
I imagine that she is living her best, most free, and happiest life.

And if I want to become her—if I want to meet that version of myself—I have to start acting like her, thinking like her, taking care of myself now so that she is still around in 10 years.

So real self-boundaries look like:
✨ Going to bed when I’m tired instead of numbing out with TV and social media.
✨ Eating food that nourishes me instead of what’s easiest because I know future me doesn’t want to feel like shit.
✨ Saying no to things that drain me, even if they are things I used to say yes to out of obligation.
✨ Taking breaks before I need them, instead of waiting until I’m in a full-blown burnout spiral.
✨ Holding myself accountable—not in a punishing way, but in a loving way that says, I deserve better than this cycle of self-abandonment.

Because here’s the truth:

If you do not have boundaries with yourself, you will keep pushing yourself to the point of exhaustion, sickness, and resentment.

But when you finally start honoring yourself?
When you finally set boundaries for you?

Everything shifts.

You start to feel safer in your own skin.
You start to trust yourself.
You stop abandoning yourself for the sake of others.

And that’s when you truly begin to thrive.

So wherever you are in the world today, I hope you pause for a moment and ask yourself:

Do the boundaries I’ve set for my life, my well-being, and my future include myself?

And if the answer is no—just know this:

You are not alone.
And you can change that at any time.

You just have to decide that you are worthy of it.

And if that feels impossible?
Then ask yourself this:

Would the version of me in 10 years push through? Or would she rest?

Your answer to that question will tell you everything you need to know.